What do professional motivation and love have to do with each other? Actually quite a bit more than you may think. In 1995, Gary Chapman proposed ‘The 5 Love Languages’ as guidelines for how different people perceive and feel love from others. In his book by the same name he explains that there are five avenues through which love can be shared. These are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.

Let’s take a romantic relationship to start off with. Have you ever had a partner who you knew loved you and showered you with gifts, but you still could not feel the love? Or maybe you spent immense amounts of time together but still kept longing for something deeper? This may be because they were not speaking your love language, making the message hard to receive and understand. The likelihood is that they were actually communicating in their own love language, the way in which they wish you would show love to them.

Love languages are like anything else in life, by default, we humans tend to live in our own little bubble, and it takes a whole lot of training in intuition and open-mindedness to start seeing things from other people’s perspective. More often than not, if you have a tendency to share your belongings with others, you likely expect others to think and do the same. Similarly, if you are prone to lying, you likely think that most people are liars. We all grew up differently, and although some of our stories are more similar than others, it would be insane to say that anyone’s experiences can lead up to exactly the same understanding of life as your own.

It’s not a matter of lacking love, but more one of giving the wrong form of love

Now back to the love languages; the primary ways in which one perceives love often has something to do with the way one grew up and received or lacked love from one’s parents, or possibly one’s first serious relationship. Some people will expect love to be shown in the same way that their parents or first serious partner showed them love, while others will need the opposite of that due to negative experiences. Unfortunately, there is so much noise in the world that we rarely get love delivered in the way that really makes us feel loved.

Irrespective of what your, or your partner’s primary love languages are, or how they came to be that way, we express the importance of understanding how to give love to the other individual in a way that can actually be felt and fills their ‘love tank’ as Gary Chapman calls it. Often it’s not a matter of lacking love, but more one of giving the wrong form of love, and it is up to us to make an effort to identify what others need even if this differs to our understanding of love.

How does the business world come in?

Well, as we’ve mentioned before when it comes to Negotiation Skills or Sales Techniques, relationships outside the office are really not that different to relationships inside the office, or work environment. Gary Chapman together with Dr. Paul White, in 2012, released a book on the relationship between the five languages and the business context, calling it the ‘5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace’. Especially when it comes to roles that deal with HR, performance development, employee satisfaction, wellness and retention, or any manager, really, the people who fill these roles should be knowledgeable of the different ways different people think and perceive acts of appreciation. Gratitude and motivation can all be expressed and fuelled in similar ways to love, and once again, no one way is effective for everyone.

How to use the different languages in the workplace

Words of Affirmation

Sometimes a simple ‘well-done’ can go a long way. However, for those whose language revolves primarily around words of affirmation, you could try to get a bit more creative. Express to you team member how much value they just gave you by performing their task well, how much time they saved you, or how much easier they made your work. Be grateful and be genuine. Then, your words will be true and will come across effectively.

Keep in mind that there is another factor that comes into play here. Not everyone feels comfortable receiving appreciation in front of others, although it can be valuable for them to increase their confidence, showing them appreciation while in the presence of others may actually void the value that you were trying to give. See how they react and depending on the outcome (shy or proud) you could try to pull them into another room, or send an email. Written appreciation can also have a very different effect than verbal as it gives the insecure individual more time to process and hold on to the appreciation without it quickly slipping into the past.

Keep in mind, words of affirmation need not mean showering the individual with compliments in any situation. Even when negative feedback needs to be given, there is a way you can communicate the feedback that encourages the person to grow, showing them that you believe in their potential to improve. This can also be highly affirmative to their position and satisfaction in their role.

Acts of Service

For some people, actions speak louder than words and these can be quite varied. You could offer an act of service by recognising that someone may not be coping with their workload and offer to take over some of their work yourself, or assign it to someone else. You must do this in a way that shows that you care, expressing why, as it could easily come across as though you are disappointed that they can’t make it. You could even just offer some help or guidance, if that will be enough to support them. Do they need to move desk within the office? Then you could offer some help with moving their things. You may even choose to offer them help outside of the office if they have recently expressed that there is something they need to do and you feel that some support would make their life easier.

Keep in mind that people who appreciate help are often the last people to ask for it. You will need to be intuitive here and offer help directly. “Let me know if you need anything” will not cut it. Noticing and acting is a lot more powerful.

Think back at all the things that you found challenging and start to freely share information that helped you succeed. Was there a particular document that helped you when you were working on a project similar to that being taken care of by your team member? If there a part of their project that you could complete in seconds while it would take them hours, you could offer to complete that work for them as a reward for the good work they did some other time. However, this should not replace them learning how to complete the task faster and growing in their position.

Receiving Gifts

People who value receiving gifts may be blown away by some company freebies, new fringe benefits or new embellishments for their workspace, but may also be highly drawn to the gift of developing their skills. Being given the opportunity to develop themselves through a course financed by the company, during work hours or after can be a gift greater than the material. Doing this during work hours could be the perfect recipe for someone whose main languages are Receiving Gifts and Quality Time, the next point we will discuss.

Financial performance bonuses, commissions and promotions will be highly effective here, although difficult to implement on a language-dependant, case-by-case basis as fairness amongst staff cannot be sacrificed.

Quality Time

Team building activities and one-on-one time with their manager may be the most important ways of giving quality time in the workplace. Bonding is important to people who speak the language of Quality Time and they will highly appreciate opportunities to spend time with those they feel most drawn to or those they want to be liked by. Organising the occasional co-worker night out, team coffee break, or staff lunch, making sure that you attend of course, could be other ideas. Once again, these will also be valuable for those who give importance to gifts. You could even consider celebrating team member’s birthdays or work anniversaries by taking a few minutes to congratulate them with the rest of the team.

When it comes to quality time it often helps to see this as the time you give your team to talk about their personal life. In the end, their personal life is often what sets their mood when they come to work and yes, it does matter. Giving them this time shows them that you care about more than who they are as a tool within the company, but also about who they are as individuals, artists, athletes, mothers, husbands, and so on and so forth. We all have a story to share.

Physical Touch

As long as you remain appropriate, physical touch need not be feared in the workplace. Keep an eye on the person’s reaction though and tune in to how they talk about touch. Some people crave closeness, even if it is through a simple nudge for well-done, a pat on the back or a high-five. Others will feel extremely uncomfortable when touched in any way whatsoever. Even standing too close can be too much.

Eye contact, although not directly physical touch, will be highly important for people who speak this language. For them, it is not exclusively about touch, but about active listening and about their physical presence being noticed.

How will you find out about the different languages present within your team?

One way is to attempt different methods of appreciation on different occasions with each team member. Try to identify whether your language of appreciation on each occasion actually boosted their morale, and if other times seemed more effective. The way they walk in to work the next morning can be a good indication.

Second, you could observe the way they treat others, do they have a tendency to buy things for others, compliment them, hug them or offer to spend time chatting? What do you hear them talk, complain about or desire most? The answers to these questions might give you some indication of their main language of appreciation.

If you do not feel intuitive enough to identify what each member of staff’s preferred language of reward and appreciation is (in the end you risk making the wrong call), honesty is key. Express to your staff, through an email or otherwise, how important it is to you that they all feel valued, and that their rewards for high performance are actually suited to their needs. For those whose language has to do with affirmations, this will already be a step towards boosting their morale. You could send out a survey to explore their preferred reward system, or even just ask them to respond to the email with their preferred option.